CvE First Weather Center: VERY IMPORTANT Update On This Weekend’s Snowstorm

People have been constantly calling the CvE First Weather Center Hotline (It’s a real thing) wanting to know what the forecast is going to be.

Master Meteorologist Jesse Mapati has been on top of this storm from the start. He’s currently calling bullshit on the whole thing. It’s a product of the local news hype machine who gets a kickback from local stores after the shelves are raided. It’s not a bad conspiracy theory.

As the models have started to roll in Jesse has stuck with his original forecast:

Friday: RAIN. The low pressure is coming in HOT. Means lots of rain. My man K-rob doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Friday Night: Other meteo’s are calling for snow. NOPE, MORE RAIN. After a long look at the models and browsing #cincywx it looks like rain.

Saturday: You guessed it! RAIN. Low pressure moves out, all rain and temperatures.

Based on the models and the predictions of the local news hype machines we put together a map in the incident their models are correct and it does snow. We’re still sticking with our prediction of rain. The barometric pressure gauge will drop meaning rain.

Little break down of the map here for all of you weather-newbs.

If you’re in the blue you’re going to want to stock up on supplies. I’m talking bread, milk, water, condoms. No one wants a snow baby out of this. Be careful with the milk though, if the power goes out you’re going to need a shovel handy in order to dig a hole in the backyard and use the earth’s temperature to keep it cool. Milk is vital.

Let’s say you’re in the orange, congrats you will 100% survive this winter storm. However prep your lifted trucks and jeeps to come rescue your neighbors to the west. You’re the new National Guard, we need you to come rolling into the suburbs like it’s Red Dawn.

Now if you’re in the light purple, you’re borderline fucked. I’m talking mass power outages, looting in the street, roads will be impassable for days if not weeks unless the temperature goes up. You’ll be digging tunnels to get out of your house. Remember building igloos as kids? Congrats you’ll be living in one now. Stock up on supplies, maybe buy an entire cow or pig to scavenge off of until society is restored to normalcy.

So you say you’re in the dark purple? Let me be the first to offer my condolences on your impending demise. The local news hype machine would like you to know you’re likely to die in this storm. Just too much snow, roofs will collapse, animals will go crazy, snowplow men will be running over people because they have no idea where the street it. It’s going to be a gruesome sight in that area. They’re saying 4-12 feet of snow. RIP in peace to anyone in the affected area. We hope to see you once the roads are cleared out.

Check back tomorrow for an updated forecast and the CvE First Weather Alert Hotline number so you can stay up to date on the happenings.

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1 Response

  1. the first to offer my condolences on your impending demise. The local news hype machine would like you to know you’re likely to die in th

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